So, things didn't work out between the two of you. You thought he was "the one". You thought he was the one you were going to spend the rest of your life with. He met all of your family and friends. He was even your #MCM. Now it's over. Your heart is broken. Your feelings are hurt. You may even feel embarrassed about the breakup... Where do you go from here?
Over a decade ago my marriage suffered from infidelity. It was one of the most painful times in my entire life. Even though it was one of the most painful times in my life, I am grateful for it. I learned so much about myself, my husband, and our marriage.
One of the first things we had to do to begin the healing process was to take a good look at ourselves and look at what each of us contributed to the situation individually. This leads to my first point.
1. Look at yourself first.
The first question I always ask someone who comes to me with a relationship issue is, "When you first started dating this person, were there any red flags that you chose to ignore?" Be honest with yourself here. We have all done things that we are not proud of or have stayed in unhealthy relationships for a day, a month or even year(s) too long. Did you ignore the signs thinking that you could change him? Did you ignore the signs because you didn't want to be alone? Whatever reason you chose to ignore the signs, admit it and own up to it. That is the only way to heal. When we point our fingers at the other person and blame everything on them, this leaves us powerless. That means that in order for healing to take place within yourself that you have to wait for them to come and heal you. However, when you own up to your part you have control over how you will conduct yourself from that moment further.
2. Where did you get that from?
Where did you get your thinking from about how a relationship is supposed to be? I watched soap operas for twenty years of my life, The Young & the Restless to be exact. I literally lived in a fantasy world in my head about how my marriage was supposed to be. When Victor Newman brought his wife, Niki, flowers home every day after work and my husband came home from work with nothing but his lunch box, I was pissed! I wanted my husband to come home from work everyday with flowers in his hands for me. A bit much to expect, don't you think? This is why it is so important to look at ourselves in the mirror to see what we have brought to the table. That is simply an unrealistic expectation to put on someone.
What belief system are you operating from? What did your mother or aunts tell you about relationships or didn't you even have a positive relationship to look up to?
3. Stop telling the wrong people about the relationship.
Everyone is not qualified to hear the details of your life. It's sad to say but some people will be happy that you are unhappy. I know... that's a tough pill to swallow. You know the old adage, misery loves company? Well that's no cliche', that's a reality. Be sure to share the details of your life with someone who is a positive person most of the time. Chances are that type of person will help you see how amazingly beautiful you still are, even without "him".
4. Stay out of your feelings.
In today's world so many people run their lives by the way they feel instead of what they know. You may feel like he was the one, but he totally disrespected you on a regular basis. You may feel like he could have changed, however he never put in the effort. You may feel like he was everything you dreamed of, but the relationship soon turned into a nightmare. Don't allow your feelings to override the truth. Stay focused.
5. Rebuild and Re-brand
Now is the time to get back to YOU. Often times in relationships women tend to focus on their partners needs, likes, and wants that they ignore themselves in the process. I am not saying that focusing on your partner's needs, likes and wants is a bad thing, however, if you begin to ignore yourself and compromise your own morals and standards to keep the relationship, that's when the problems begin to show up. Many times women will drop what it is that they love to do as far as their hobbies, hanging out with their friends etc. just to be in relationships. Now is the time to rebuild yourself, and re-brand yourself. Branding is not just for businesses and entrepreneurs. You yourself are your own brand. You are the CEO of you. Your brand is how other people associate with you. I once read a quote that said, "The best thing about your life falling apart is that you get to pick up only the pieces you want." I LOVE that because it's so true. Take a deep breath and look at your life and decide who the new you will be!